Worldly

Haven't written in 2 days. You know what is a challenge coming back home for a while that I wouldn't have thought would be a challenge. Now that I am "worldly" I notice the differences between Americans and other countries and I try to point them out to people (even my family) and people get upset by the comparisons. For instance, sometimes I say "That's a very American thing to do" (Buy the newest and best thing all the time, live outside of our comfort zone with credit cards, aggressively drive, healthy foods being expensive or anything) and people get really offended by that. It is interesting because although people say that they are patriotic. I don't think our country is. We believe we are the best, that doesn't make us patriotic.

Writing isn't easy.

You know, writing isn't always easy. It is a brain surgery finding the pieces of you that make you tick. It is a heart surgery finding what tugs at your heartstrings and what clots block the way. It is the act of standing naked in front of a crowd and putting your whole self out there.

Yes, I have flaws. I am not perfect. And the fact that I am willing to dissect myself, admit defeat when I see it and attempt to come to terms with it somehow or another is a big deal. One that shouldn't be overlooked. Just because I may not have the ability to feel a certain way doesn't mean I admire it about myself. Sometimes I can hate it. But if I don't write about it, if I don't preform that surgery, I am not laying my whole self out there. I am hiding, I am not writing. I am standing in front of you, expecting applause.

I am not expecting congratulations. I am expecting a battle. A battle I am strong enough to handle and it has nothing to do with the jesters in the stadium. It is a battle of self. What I can admit to and what I run from. And my goal, my ultimate goal is to KNOW myself, to trust myself, to come to terms with who I am.

I am not a saint, I never want to be. I can do my part, preform my surgery of the day and I can see the darkness inside of my soul. And that's a GOOD thing. It shows my vulnerability and once you find it.... the battle really begins.

Becuase finding the parts of yourself you aren't happy with gives you two options. First, you have the ability to change. There is so much going on in the normal hustle and bustle of our lives that we ignore what we dislike, what we aren't proud of and we continue. Opening up those wounds gives us the ability to fix them.

But you can't always fix them. You can't BE perfect. So sometimes a wound is just a flaw. And you have to learn to accept that you have some flaws. That you aren't perfect and you have to come to terms with yourself.

If I can do that, either fix my wounds or accept my flaws. I am a stronger person. It is not for you to fix. It is not for you to admire or cheer on or pity. It is for me, for me to be a better me. In whatever way that is. It is for me to be able to put myself out there and accept who I am. Even the sides of myself no one else can see.

I have opened up to you here and I will continue to do so, if you don't want to read it. If you want to laugh or joke or poke or cheer, don't. Because it isn't for you to judge. The only one that has to love me, is myself.

 

Here is my warning: This post is going to sound conceded at first. I come to terms with things later

One of my favorite traits about myself is my ability to care. I feel like I am a very empathic, drop anything and help sort of person. And if there is anything that I would want to share with the world from who I am, that would be what I would share.

That being said, I think my mother is 1000 times more caring than I am. She has the ability to take family in, LEAVE HER JOB to help someone in need. She is constantly putting someone else first. And it is always those who desperately need it.

There is a point in time that I draw a line. I am caring but I have a edge to that cliff. And it starts with my cousin.

So for those of you that don't know. My cousin is an addict. To anything, to everything. Mom and I discuss the nature vs. nurture of this often. My aunt was an alcoholic, my uncle never got involved. Her life made her the way she is. Her speciality prescription pills.

Well at 16 she got knocked up because it was more important to pay for drugs than birth control. Then again at 20, she was so out of her mind blitzed that she slept with anyone giving her her next high. Both times she chose (with the help of my family) to have an abortion. At 28, there was no talking her out of it. She was with her (then) fiance and after 2 abortions, the odds of getting pregnant decrease. The baby was born last year.

My cousin lies as if thats the only thing she could do. And I resent her for it. I have given up being nice. I have given up believing in her. She is a bad person. She is leading a bad life. And now she is dragging a child into it and I am literally heartbroken. I cry just thinking about what this poor child is going to suffer through.

My mom, the most selfless person I know, would adopt that child in a second. She would take her as her own and raise it like a daughter. (My father won't do that. He struggles with my cousin as much as I do). That's a line, I don't think I could cross. I don't love the baby. In fact, I purposefully avoid the baby. I can't fall in love and watch the world eat at her being.

If you know anything about me, the second a child is in the room I run to them. I enjoy playing and talking and getting to know them. I haven't touched this child, I refuse to. I pretend she isn't there. I try as hard as I can to distance myself. It won't help her, it won't help my family. But I see kids like this child all the time and I fall for them and I help as much as I can but when its my own family. I can't. I wouldn't even consider taking the child in. It would lead to a better life for that baby but the problems that would arise, the fact that it would ruin my life make me say no.

My mom has taken in 4 grandparents, my aunt and cousin 3 times. My house has been in and out with family for as long as I can remember. This is the one way, I can't be like my mother. I don't take people in. I help, I talk, I discuss, I do everything in my power, as long as it doesn't change my life. I would work on convincing my cousin to give it up for adoption, I would try to help them find a footing, but I couldn't take them in. Hell, in reality, I can't even get close to them. This is the one way that I am not empathic and its almost a shock to my system. I feel more inclined to help my students that I know for 4 months, than I am about helping my cousin. Why?

Maybe because the kids can't help it. They don't knoew how to deal. They were placed in that life. My cousin built this life for herself. By 28 years old, she should have her life a bit more under control. But that's an excuse. That's the excuse I tell myself. Becuase I am taking it out on the child. Never did I expect to do that.

I can't believe how selfless my mother is, sometimes it feels naive. I worry about her but I also couldn't admire it about her more.

(And I am proud of my dad for not giving in. At 63 years old, they don't need to be raising a child. As much as it could be the best thing for her.)

Drive towards happiness

What I find incredible is the willpower of some people. We all have goals and the remarkable ability to reach a lot of them. But I know a lot of people whose goals lately are changing. They were on a path that they expected to lead them to the intersection of forever drive and happily ever after blvd. instead they wound up getting pulled towards another avenue. At what point do you take that turn? At what point do you let life guide you instead of your drive driving you? Sometimes it is important to let your intuition guide you. What they don't tell you is that you are never in control and you will always be pulled in other directions and those directions and reroutes and turn arounds, that is what makes you better, stronger and happier. You don't find a way to your happiness, you drive it every day and appreciate what it has to offer at the moment.

Take a piece back

 


Leaving Japan, there was a lot I have learned from the culture. But my biggest takeaway is that the people are the nicest, most thoughtful people in the world. They are the only people as a whole that I have met who think about the other person without even batting an eye. They make room for your car to get in rather than get upset that you might "cut" them. They buy gifts because they think about you as much as they can! They care about your thoughts, your feelings. It is an ability to make you feel human, to show you that you matter and it is the best part of Japan, in my opinion.

If I had to take anything back from Japan and apply it to America. That would be what I would want to change. I want people to care more about others than themselves. I want them to THINK about another person half as much as they think about what they want, what they need, what they think. I think the only way to change that in America is to start when they are young. To teach students, kids, what it is like to care about someone else. In Japan, starting in 1st grade they learn morality and ethics classes. Starting in first grade! Think about that. If 6 year olds can learn these lessons for 12 years, think what that would show! They would be willing to listen to others, to care about others, to care about more than themselves.

I think for America to get better. THIS is what it needs. Not just reading and writing and math. THIS. Being worldly, being caring, and knowing what it is to give your all for the people around you.

Japan, may no longer be my home, and it may not be the first time I ever cared about someone else. But, it showed me that it IS possible for not just one or two people but for a whole community to feel that way. To BELIEVE that someone else out there is worth just as much, if not more than me. 

Some people are better at long distance

 

So I moved back home temporarily. It is nice being able to see friends and family. My parents and I have gotten a lot closer since I have gotten older. We get along instead of bicker.

The same cannot be said for my sisters and I love them to death but I am struggling with how to let go and stay calm. One is all about herself, she lives and breathes for her life and can't listen without connecting it to herself. Which seems fine when I say it that way but it can NEVER be about the other person. She has struggled with this her whole life and because I have had 24 years to come to terms with it... it gets easier now. Albeit sometimes is still very frustrating.

However, the little one, she just finds the right way to crawl and burrow under my skin where all I want to do is claw her back out. She is manipulative and lately I feel like she is violent... but I don't think that is the right word... Reactive, explosive maybe. She acts like she is 5 when she is 20 and I am amazed at how patient, I view myself and how quickly I lose it with her.

When I called my mother today to vent about it. (Yes, Mike it happened AGAIN TODAY!) She said their relationship is suffering the same way. Long distance she is WONDERFUL. I finally had a sister open up to me for the first time and talk about things I CARE ABOUT. It was beautiful. But in person, she is... immature. And I hate, that word. Just saying it makes me shutter but she goes from being someone I can talk psychology and philosophy with to someone who starts throwing things at my other sister because I asked a question about her TV show (and the other sister answered).

As I am trying to calm down and find some inner peace, I am finding it a struggle with the fact that my calm demeanor can light back up again with one bad twist from her. Mom says stay away but that doesn't solve it. I need a solution not a temporary fix. Talking will re-ignite her. So what do I do? Maybe I need to talk to her about it when we aren't face to face. Maybe I need to explain how she is making me feel. (That wonderful talk we had a few months ago, she explained that she doesn't feel empathy towards someone until they explain how they feel.) Maybe I need to make it about me instead of about her. I will come up with a solution, I always do but I don't know that I want a problem I need to fix in a time, I need to fix myself.

My anxieties are out of control. I can blame it on the move and it probably has kept me on edge but I think I have been this way since working at the preschool. I blame my boss there 1000 times as much. I, find that because it was such a high stress environment, I probably have been this way for years and just now am I realizing how negatively that job impacted me. So my goal this summer (since I have no job and I have plenty of time) is to find me again. The me, that knew what she was capable of and believed in herself. She didn't question, she helped, she felt and she moved on. I need to work on myself and I think writing will help with that. I found such clarity when I would write about anything before and that's what I want to get back to. Realizing my place in the world, finding my way to accept whatever is thrown my way without letting it affect me physically and mentally.

So maybe I started writing about this needing to vent about my sister but what I really am trying to do is admit my own weakness. I am struggling and I need to empower myself to pull my own shit together. Because whether long distance or short, I need to know that I am in control and work on not letting weird little explosions change that.

Oh Dam!

There was once a Dam that created the world. He made itself hold back all the Oceans and all of the Rivers so that Land could stay dry. Dam built up its walls with sticks and stones and anything that would fill. He decided to save the land and he did this for hundreds of thousands of years. Dam was proud at the life he has helped create.

He heard the cute little bunnies jumping for joy and the way the trees whispered in the breeze. He heard the birds speak songs of love and strength. And Land soaked in the sun and breathed, thanks to Dam. Dam had given so much for this world. It was necessary and the animals and land couldn't imagine a life without it.  

But the shrieking Waters had other plans. The Oceans wailed as they tumbled, bumped and shoved onward, forcing Dam to stand tall. The roaring Rivers tried to push that Dam down, tried to break him. And little by little the Dam notices these unseen holes, the Waters created. As the Waters slips out, the Dam heard the cries of the flaws. 

His flaws

Drip. You are nothing.

Drip. I will reach Land.

Drip. You are broken.

Drip. You won't last.

Gush. I will win this war. You will become lonely logs once more. You are dead to us. And crippling cracks of Waters laughed. 

The Dam sees what once was a single, lonely drop turned into a rushing stream. The dam quivers with fear. Yes, the Waters bellow. You have failed.

The next crack screams. I have beat you down.

After years of these drips and drops and storms emerging into the land, Dam begins to believe all that was said. Maybe he was just supposed to be logs. Maybe there was no way he could win. These thoughts bring him down, and he sinks with the weight of his little world on his chest. Only letting more water splash over the top as it mocks the dam. You are nothing.

The Land starts to soften. It's breath choking on the drops but fighting for another day. The animals silence in fear. They refuse to play, refuse to jump, refuse to be. They just seem to stand and hide as they worry. Dam was confused. How could this happen? I did all I could do. I fought once before, I won already. How is it that now? Now the waters are taking it back? 

The dam didn't know. 

As the years go by and more cracks spring up. The Dam continues to fret about this constant battle. It is looking like defeat. 

As the Land watched the water seep into its lungs, it coughed and it quaked with worry. Land started drowning, with all the Waters that Dam was letting in. When the Waters got too high, Land reached out to the Dam.

With the Land's last breaths, it whispered to the Dam. "Don't give up. Look how high you still stand. You have made a stand and held it for all these years. So patch yourself up, wipe yourself off and fight back. You have saved lives once, you have conquered the world. And after all these years... YOU haven't fallen. You are still making a stand. Still holding true. You can continue to fight." Land went silent as it was deafened by the Waters cheers.

But Dam was still confused. He has been listening to the Rivers for so long, he forgot about the Land on his right. He listens as the Oceans tried to push him and heaved to a stop. Dam reaches out to Land, wanting advice. But Land was already drowning in sorrow. So Dam reached in and grabbed up  some pasty mud and begins filling in those shrieking cracks. It grabs on and plugs those sizzling holes. 

As the Dam listened to the water, it found the only water speaking was the ones that were getting away. But there was still a whole ocean waiting to break through. Only the weak break down. Only the weak become logs. Only the weak give up to the water. And the dam knew he wasn't weak. He had years of success. Years of acceptance and he knew the beauty it helped create. 

Finally, the Dam decided to make a stronger stand. The dam strengthened its walls, hole by hole, crack by crack. It grabbed the liquid land and formed it into those holes. The animals peeked out of their hidden homes and saw what was happened. The Waters weren't coming in, quite as strong. The Dam was fighting back, and the animals ran to  help. And as each whole was filled, the water muffled. 

As the Dam took more mud from Land, it found that Land started to dry and the beautiful animals fought through to remain where they were. The animals jumped as they worked. Spoke as they harbored and whispered this story as they went. They cheered as they filled and the Land slowly began to breath again. Dam learned that he could save his little world, just by saving himself. 

And to this day, the beavers jump and whisper and work as they honor Dam by building their own and using the liquid land to fill up their own holes and cracks, knowing that if it worked before, it could always handle another battle against those pesky Waters.