Some people are better at long distance

 

So I moved back home temporarily. It is nice being able to see friends and family. My parents and I have gotten a lot closer since I have gotten older. We get along instead of bicker.

The same cannot be said for my sisters and I love them to death but I am struggling with how to let go and stay calm. One is all about herself, she lives and breathes for her life and can't listen without connecting it to herself. Which seems fine when I say it that way but it can NEVER be about the other person. She has struggled with this her whole life and because I have had 24 years to come to terms with it... it gets easier now. Albeit sometimes is still very frustrating.

However, the little one, she just finds the right way to crawl and burrow under my skin where all I want to do is claw her back out. She is manipulative and lately I feel like she is violent... but I don't think that is the right word... Reactive, explosive maybe. She acts like she is 5 when she is 20 and I am amazed at how patient, I view myself and how quickly I lose it with her.

When I called my mother today to vent about it. (Yes, Mike it happened AGAIN TODAY!) She said their relationship is suffering the same way. Long distance she is WONDERFUL. I finally had a sister open up to me for the first time and talk about things I CARE ABOUT. It was beautiful. But in person, she is... immature. And I hate, that word. Just saying it makes me shutter but she goes from being someone I can talk psychology and philosophy with to someone who starts throwing things at my other sister because I asked a question about her TV show (and the other sister answered).

As I am trying to calm down and find some inner peace, I am finding it a struggle with the fact that my calm demeanor can light back up again with one bad twist from her. Mom says stay away but that doesn't solve it. I need a solution not a temporary fix. Talking will re-ignite her. So what do I do? Maybe I need to talk to her about it when we aren't face to face. Maybe I need to explain how she is making me feel. (That wonderful talk we had a few months ago, she explained that she doesn't feel empathy towards someone until they explain how they feel.) Maybe I need to make it about me instead of about her. I will come up with a solution, I always do but I don't know that I want a problem I need to fix in a time, I need to fix myself.

My anxieties are out of control. I can blame it on the move and it probably has kept me on edge but I think I have been this way since working at the preschool. I blame my boss there 1000 times as much. I, find that because it was such a high stress environment, I probably have been this way for years and just now am I realizing how negatively that job impacted me. So my goal this summer (since I have no job and I have plenty of time) is to find me again. The me, that knew what she was capable of and believed in herself. She didn't question, she helped, she felt and she moved on. I need to work on myself and I think writing will help with that. I found such clarity when I would write about anything before and that's what I want to get back to. Realizing my place in the world, finding my way to accept whatever is thrown my way without letting it affect me physically and mentally.

So maybe I started writing about this needing to vent about my sister but what I really am trying to do is admit my own weakness. I am struggling and I need to empower myself to pull my own shit together. Because whether long distance or short, I need to know that I am in control and work on not letting weird little explosions change that.