Ashen Gray

She sat on the icy cold, stone steps.
She was numb and lost like a ghost with no purpose.
Dead inside and shattered out. 
Visitors walked by, looking right through her
As the crystals dropped from her eyes
Fragmenting her view of the stone steps
Gray in color and her, in emotion.
She was alone in the city,
The country, the world.

He used to be with her, holding her, loving her
Used to make her world bright
And he was right inside.
but she didn't feel him.
She couldn't see him.
But he was right there,
before all these strangers eyes.
She couldn't bring herself to go inside
the chapel.

Where her love laid and her spirit died.
She started to ascend to the door and all she could
Feel was a fire, slowly leaving her soul,
Slowly leaving her lips.
she was fluttering out,
Smoked from the inside out,
Ignited and tortured
Burned and suffering
Just like he was a few days before.

How was it just a few days ago their love soared,
it burst with passion and filled the room.
Today it withered and died.
Today it started to extinguish.
If only she was there, if only she could have saved him.
And somehow, her fire stayed red hot in the coals.
It may not burst, it may not ignite but it stayed.
Keeping her burning hot but cool to the touch.
She loved him even at his resting place.

A resting place inside a chapel,
In a shimmering urn, where peace looks calm
But he was burned up and ashed out.
No more smiles, no more memories to be made.
He laid there and she felt like death.
She felt nothing.
Empty, alone and forgotten.
Because even though he rested, even though he died
"Love has no ending, just a resting place"

•  "Behind us the damage is done, no one can erase
  Love has no ending, just a resting place"

Of Monsters and Men

There you go again as the mountain of regret start to form,
The monster inside you has started to protrude.
"The weak lies and the cold walls you embrace"
Transformed you into a man hiding beneath a mask,
hiding behind the souls of the damned
In a life that doesn't make sense.
It leave you destined for unfathomable chaos mixed with
Butterfly kisses and unkept secrets.
Where there is no way out and your only home is a cage.

The unnerving fact is that only with the mask
do you know who you are, but who are you?
The monster? The man? The boy lost in his senses?
What makes you feel strong is what makes you weak
And what makes you weak is what made you who you are.
So embrace the man and forgo the monster,
for if you don't, for if you let the monster out,
the monster will become the man and
the man will disappear into the chaos.

•  "And the weak lies and the cold walls you embrace
  Eat at your insides and leave you face to face with"

First Snow

As the first snowflake fell to the Earth, it sank like a stone but also floated like a feather. This snowflake was different then all the other snowflakes nearby. It seemed alone, forgotten, damaged. But as it sank, a miracle happened. But first, there was a moment, a short breath where everything stood still. At that point, the snowflake was still a snowflake and the miracle had just settled in for a moment and then a soft and sweet sound arose like that first note to be hit by the orchestra. As soon as the note was played the rest of the instruments followed through. This snowflake world started growing, creating and transforming the way the universe was. It grew new shapes on top and formed new elements this storm had never noticed. The snowflake had moved on its own and made what was impossible, possible.

And still the snowflake gave more. The snowflake began melting from the heat of a thousand stars, making this world came to life. Trees grew and animals formed and little by little the snowflake had no more to give. This snowflake soon brought water to the depths of the dirts edges and it brought hills where the dirt stood clumped for definition. It gave its whole life for this world. It gave the whole world the present of life.

Overcoming who you are

One thing I know about myself that a lot of people don't understand is that when I was young, I was who everyone wanted me to be. Little of it was "me". I was caring, I craved love, but everything else was expected of me.

And a few years later, I became a "girlfriend." That's all I was Smith's girlfriend. Anything he didn't like, he conned me into changing. Everything he like, I learned to like. I became someone different. I always thought that if I gave everything love would last. You fight the big battle to win the princess (in my case the prince), I expected that meant becoming who he wanted. and I had to learn the real truth is that you can't give up yourself. Because someone should love the person that you are. But at the time, I was young and naive.

God, you wouldn't be able to recognize me if you knew me back then. I was like my sisters and in some cases worse. I was a girly girl when I was expected to be and a sports fanatic when dad needed me. I helped him fix cars with moans and groans because I was a "girl" and it was expected of me, I played pretend for hours. I wanted to be loved. That was always my goal. I wore pink and cared about makeup and wanted to do anything I could to be loved. Change my hair, change my life. My whole goal had always been love. I don't know why that was such a drive for me. Was it the books I read? Was it the life I lived, why did I care so much about love. I know people that don't daydream about that like I did. I would create love in my mind before going to be and have Barbie marry ken because they were in love. Disney be damned because that was all I cared about. And to be honest, to this day I struggle with understanding people who don't care about love. What drives you then? Work? School? I was and always will be a hopeless romantic.

Mike changed all that about me, our experiences changed even more. When he broke up with me. I was no longer that girly girl. I was no longer his girlfriend. So I didn't know who I was, what I liked or where to start.

I spent weeks, maybe even months sewing together the person I wanted to be. Screw who I was, screw what I had been through. I knew I had to change. I had to look at the qualities inside myself that I defended, the ones he hated. I was emotional, I was irrational, I was always trying to make things better and I was stubborn. But I liked all that about myself. I was emotional because I cared about everyone, irrational because I think in different ways, always working on achieving greatness in myself and in a relationship, I am stubborn because I am passionate. These are things I kept about who I was and what I KNEW to be me. Then I changed, I was somewhere in between a girly girl and a tomboy and in some ways I always was but it didn't feel that way. Not when hanging with the guys. I was "the girl" so I became one of the guys. In my head, guys are strong, they are tough and I needed that shell. I needed to be strong and tough for whatever life had in store for me. I was done being dainty. I liked videogames, thats one thing I took away from Smith, and the ability to debate. I became great at getting my way (because I learned from the boy that could sculpt my own thoughts into his). I stopped believing in religion and kept believing in love and kindness and morals. I walked away with better music (in my opinion), better memories and better stories.

I became the person I wanted to be. I became the Ashley you know today. The crazy part is that I wasn't always her. I mean, maybe I was, but not in my head. In my head I was the girly girl (and not a very good one at that), I was a sports fanatic and I wasn't smart (that came later to be totally honest.) Young Ashley was what everyone expected me to be, high school Ashley was what Smith expected me to be. Today I am who I expect me to be.

And I found a man who loves that about me. Who takes the crazy emotional, stubborn and caring soul I have and supports it. I found a man who lets me fix things time and time again because he knows I am trying my best for us. I found someone to play videogames with, laugh at my inability to name a song and hold me when I cry over the last book I read. I found someone who makes me an even better me. Who takes my sculpture and adds definition.

I wish I could help other people figure out what they don't like about themselves and change it. To support what they do like about themselves and to show people that the world doesn't have you pegged. You get to be yourself, and its a remarkable you.

Yesterday's conversation:

Love is either a country road or a roller coaster.

Stability is key. Unwavering devotion means more.

How do you become a constant when you have never seen one?

"I hate myself for not having the answers."
"But you have the questions! The questions are worth so much more than the answers."

Had a great conversation that challenged my thoughts last night. heart emoticon It was my writing for the day.

Why are relationship conversations a no-no?

The biggest let down in our education system is how no one talks about relationships. Friendships, family, dating, marriage. It is this realm of our life completely left on its own. I understand we have to learn through our own experiences but we should at least have the opportunity to know what the right choice in that path would be theoretically.

I know people who don't know how to be supportive friends. I personally sucked at being a sister as a child. And relationships, we act like if we just believe in happily ever after it will work for us.

Relationships take work. Friendships take work. Being in a family takes work. You have to work hard for the things you want.

How do you know what to share? When to share it? What to open up about and what to leave to yourself? How do you know what makes a great person, a ying to your yang in the dating scene.

What in your opinion makes for a strong relationship? I think people struggle in knowing what a good healthy relationship is and what isn't. I used to be in a very unhealthy relationship. I was put down and made fun of and attempted to mold myself in a way to fit what looked like a "good relationship". But I have since learned that to be good in a relationship, you not only have to be yourself, you have to have constant support from one another. Your job in the relationship is to make that other person know you love them and the parts of them you love about them.

Communication is a big key. How many times have you heard this saying. But its there because it is true. Especially later on in a relationship it gets easy to just fall into a rut every so often. It's always hard to try new things and sometimes it is just easier to do the same thing over and over and over again. I think a lot of it comes down to comfort and this comes through in our actions and our words. We need to be able to talk to one another about more than what will make them happy but what they also may not want to hear. We need to be able to approach new boundaries and be willing to try new things in our relationship.

Meet Paris

What was she doing on this train? The thoughts began to worry her. What if she wasn't ready for Paris? What if she couldn't step through those doors?

As she passed the blurry streams of green and blue, she heard the barista pull up her clanking cart and offer drinks to the nearby customers. As a community college librarian, she had basically given up her want for alcohol. She has made her own mistakes once too many times from such a drug. She had experienced what it does to too many people, and how it lost her the love of her life. And it was the the knife that first drew blood.

Alyssa was always a good girl who rarely had a drink, let alone a couple. She didn't like the way people stopped being themselves. She didn't like the decisions she chose to make. That night, she cringed. She hated that night. It was the night she stabbed herself with the knife, the day she received and lost the love of her life.

When Alyssa was 14, she went to her first high school party. Feeling ready to grow up, feeling ready to make that next step. And as one of the senior drama kings approached her, her knees buckled. He chuckled and she blushed. He passed her a drink, then another as they discussed silly things. He flirted, she flirted back. Tony grabbed her hand and led her to the dance floor. And with one last drink, that's all she remembered until the next day.

She woke up in a fright. Where was she? Who was this next to her? Where were her clothes. Her panic set in. She looked around quickly, got dressed as fast as she could and bolted.

Through the next month, they passed each other in the halls and it was as if she was invisible. How could she be so stupid? What would happen to her? She'd never drink alcohol again, she realized as the two little lines turned on the pregnancy test.

But today was different. She ordered another glass of wine as she thought about Paris.

She couldn't believe that she would soon be in the city. She had never been to Paris but expected that romance was just a part of the city's charm. The most terrifying part, was that she would be meeting her daughter for the first time.

After finding out she was pregnant, she decided to give the child up for adoption. She never expected to hear that voice again, never expecting to see those vibrant blue eyes again. Alyssa was in love for the first time in her life. She loved the cry that came out of that child. The way the baby looked at her through the glass and the way she seemed to smile even though she was much too young. Alyssa couldn't keep the baby. She had to rip out her own heart as she watched her daughter leave her in what appeared to be a forever kind of way.

I guess forever didn't last quite as long as I thought it would, she mused. She picked up her glass of wine and stared at the design. The intricate grooves and gems along the glass reminded her of a chalice. Just what she would expect if she was going to see Paris. As she pulled the glass to her lips, she hoped for bravery and she hoped for her daughter, she hoped this new forever would allow them to be together.

What Alyssa didn't know is that the barista could tell the anxiety billowing off of her. She grabbed the specific glass with a smirk and set it down for Alyssa knowing what would happen next. Sometimes everyone needs a sip of courage.

As the train stopped, Alyssa stood with a new vigor. She was ready. She got to the edge of the train and halted. She was going to see Paris, she was going to meet Paris, Paris was all she could dream of since she received the letter.

The letter was very straight forward, asking to meet up in Paris on this weekend. Her daughter coached a beauty pageant and wanted to share the excitement with someone. Her adopted parents had died in a fire years ago. Her daughter explained that the beauty on the inside is all you need but that you also need to appreciate beauty when it is around you.

I wonder what color eyes Paris has now? Sometimes eyes change on a baby, would I even recognize her? As she took a deep breath and stepped off the train, all her worries went away. She walked until she was directly under the clock in the station and looked around ravenously.

The eyes jumped at her. These mystic blue eyes were a color only fit for gems and they showed every ounce of excitement, nervousness and fear. Her daughter, Paris, was beautiful. She had long dark hair, big brown eyes. Her lips were the color of the morning sun. She was perfect.

Circles and Rings

He sat there with circles under his eyes and rings around the table where his coffee cup had sat. Tilda's was the only place open at such an hour. The diner was as dark as his circles and as empty as the rings. He sat there listening to the wind whistle outside as it beckons everyone indoors. He wondered if she'd ever walk through those doors.

They met at Tilda's months before. She had sat at the bar with her burgundy hair flowing as she laughed with no intention to stop. It sounded like a piano and as the crescendo hit, he melted. He didn't know her name, he didn't know her at all. But he had already fallen in love with that sound.

After the realization hit, he stood up and walked to her. He excused himself and asked for her name and began the conversation that started it all. That was 4 months ago.

Today was their anniversary and here he sat waiting. He had been waiting for her for hours. He held his cigarette pack and flipped as he heard the tiny M&M's tumble. He remembers the day she changed him.

A week after their first introduction, Brian met Amy at the mall. He stood outside leaning against a pillar, smoking his cigarette. Amy walked up infuriated with this adorable pout and a walk that could shake the world. She got right in his face, inches from his nose and grabbed the cigarette from his lips. She kissed him and replaced something so dangerous with something so sweet. From that day on, he carried around the same cigarette box with M&M's. Reminding himself of that very day.

She continued to make the same bold moves every chance she got. Demanding to drive to keep him around the speed limit, giving him a list to follow at the grocery store so he didn't come home with junk. He would purposefully, playful rip off the labels just to watch her struggle. And as she turned yet another unlabeled can of soup over in her hand, he would wait for that pout to come out. He thought it was cute how in control she thought she was. When really, she would have been even without that cute pout she thought was menacing.

Amy had been everything he was searching for. She gave him direction, motivation and support. And today was the day, he was going to ask the question.

A piece of strawberry pie was waiting on the table across from him with just the right dollop size of whipped cream. And placed perfectly on top of that dollop was the ring. A single solitaire meant for the woman he loved.

And she wasn't there. He had specifically told her that today was a big day. They knew where to meet. He had been acting off for weeks, nervous about today and he knew she picked up on it. So where was she?

Just then his phone rang. He found out that she had been in a car crash driving out of the city and died on the scene. His world shattered, Where was she going? She was driving the wrong way? Was she running? Maybe the past 4 months, meant nothing to her.

He threw the plate of pie against the wall as the waitress screamed. He left money and ran out of Tilda's as fast as he could. She hadn't loved him. All this time, he had been alone, in an unrequited crush on a woman who couldn't have destroyed him more. Tonight, the world felt just as empty as the rings on the table and as dark as the circles under his eyes.

Doubt

Doubting yourself is giving into the waves and allowing yourself to be taken away. Believing in yourself is making yourself stronger.

When you doubt love, you doubt life.

Don't expect the world to fall to their knees for you. You have to fight, you have to believe, you have to trust yourself.

Believing in yourself is the best form of magic. It allows the world to find you, it gives you an aura of confidence and the ability to reach your dreams.

I think I doubt myself about writing. I used to love my writing. I will get back there. I have months. I appreciate all your help.

Hiding in the Closet

"Shh! Just stay in there." I whispered to the empty closet, full of children's toys. "It will be okay." I look towards the wooden white doors with horror locked behind my eyes.

I remember a night long ago, when the only choice I had was to go in there, stay in that cramped and dirty hole for what felt like days. Dad was on one of his binges and Mom had nothing to do but wait it out.

"Ava, dearie, come here." As Dad slurred my name and beckoned me closer, I noticed a change. What I remember most was his eyes. His eyes were glossy and distant, they weren't his eyes. They were the eyes of someone else. Who is this man? I thought. This is not my father. This is a Monster.

He went to he bathroom and Mom told me to run, to hide. She must have seen the same look that I did. So I ran, I hid. And I stayed. I heard them argue. At 5 years old, I didn't care what they were saying. "Where is she?!?" He would yell. "How dare you? She is MINE!" It seemed like such a silly argument but there was something wrong. Something was different. I heard my mother tell him I went to a friends house. But she lied. I didn't. I stayed and I hid from the monster inside the man.

"Ava. Ava!" He started to call my name. I was sure he knew I was here. But then I heard my mother answer. Were they playing pretend? Was I supposed to be Mom? I don't think it is time for me to leave my barbie dolls and lego men all alone with the Monster.

After a little while, I heard my door open. Was it Mom? Telling me I would be okay? I could come out now?

It wasn't. It was both Mom and Monster playing pretend still. I kept my eyes closed. I held my breath. I didn't like the game they were playing. I heard my mother's screams and the monster's huffs and puffs. I found a teddy bear, hiding in my closet with me and I covered his eyes. I prayed he'd hold his breath. Their game went on for forever and I just sat there in the dark, locked away in a closet, praying the monster didn't ever find out. This wasn't a game I wanted to play.

As the minutes ticked on, my mother and the monster left the room. I stayed. My breath was shaking, I let the grip go on my legs as I felt a wave of relief and a crash of silent tears streaming down my face. Maybe their game was over now? But I wouldn't tempt it. I will just sit here and wait around the friends that I have, hidden far away from the Monster.

As I covered myself in a blanket of toys and held my teddy bear close to my heart. I started drifting to sleep with one thought. Aren't monsters the ones that hide in the closet?

Sail Away

Adventure is for mysterious pirates.
Full beards and whiskey on hand.
A laughter barely seen and a presence always felt. 
A pirate lives for the journey, for the reward, 
for being a pirate.
With a captivating smirk has the ability to
persuade the warm, sunny winds swiftly
and with a siren screech command the hazy, rough clouds ahead.
A pirate gives his life for his shipmates.
He gives his certainty for his ship, his home, his soul
At each port they dock into, he has thousands of stories to tell
To the whispering ladies he meets at the local bar.
He may not have the life we all wish for ourselves
But it is the life he lives for with every breath he breathes
Sail roughly like a lively pirate.
Live boldly like a sailor.
Dream bigger like a captain.

Randoms

Be exactly who you are
Love too much
Be the morning sun after the night
Care about others more than yourself
Be unstoppable 
Give it all you have and then some
Take the world by storm
Be a force of nature
Work Hard, Play Hard

Puppy Love
Have you ever wondered why they call it puppy love?
I suppose you can learn a lot from a dog. They teach you how to love first and put yourself second. They shower you in affection and give you sloppy kisses every day. They cuddle when you need it and even when you don't. They follow you around, support you and are mystified by the little things. Learn to love like a puppy. Greet them every time they walk into the room with a smile. Find a way to laugh together, to play together, to be together. We may take care of the little balls of joy and it may seem like a hassle sometimes. But they will love you unconditionally. So be like the puppy and don't take the love for granted.

There she was waiting again. Waiting for the love of her life to come home. Only, he stopped living there. Only, she hadn't seen him in months but she feels this nagging need to wait. She can't find a way to stop. To stop thinking she'd hear the jingle of keys and the soft tap of the lock twisting. She waits every second of every day and drives herself mad. Waiting isn't a way to live.