Awake-overs

The best part of having a little sister is messing with her. Every older sister knows the pure joy of lurking in the creaky, dark basement awaiting her to come around the corner and jumping out for that second of thrill as she screams and runs to tell on you. Or the way you can get her to believe in hole-y eyeballs, pet monkeys and the fact that we have an older brother that she has never met.

It was one of those nights that my parents left me alone to watch Nikki and her two friends, Kayla and Nicole, as they had their first sleepover. They went all out with their junk food, scary movies and flickering lights as they cuddled up ready to scream.

These opportunities as a big sister don't come around too often, so I jumped at it before my parents left. I informed them of my plan in part. They agreed they wouldn't interrupt it.

"But don't go too far." My mother said as they left. Who, me?The girls finished making their popcorn as I called my friends for the prank I had in mind.

"Hey Mike, It's Ash. Nikki is having her first sleepover and they are watching their first scary movie ever. I think its The Grudge."

"I know! That one isn't even scary." I said, perfectly timed as the girls scream bloody murder. They must have turned it on and started. "In about 30 minutes, grab everyone and come over. Let's scare these girls into believing in horror films." The menacing smile crept onto my face and I tried to hide the joy as I came downstairs to oversee the girls and the show that was about to start.

All of a sudden, right on cue, the phone rang. The girls jumped and I answered "Hello? Hello? Say something. I can hear you breathing." I said out loud, trying not to watch the girl's faces, afraid I would break out of character already. "I am hanging up now." As I had Mike on the phone, Tony had snuck into the house through the front door I had opened and at that moment, the lights went off.

The girls screamed, trying to turn on the lights, but they had to do with flashlights. They huddled together to consider and investigate.

"How did you do that Ashley?" they asked, blaming innocent me.

"How could I be at the bottom of this? I was on the phone a second ago. You SAW me!" Then the knocking came on the windows around the living room as the girls jumped at each one and stomping upstairs insured them they weren't alone this evening.

The phone rang again.

"I am answering this time." Nikki said a little too high pitch to be considered brave. She picked up the phone. "Hello? Stop this, okay? We get it, its not even scary. Oh yeah... your deep breathing is really cool. I can do that too." She said as she started mimicking the voice on the other line. And the shrill scream of her voice hit next as another hand banged on the window next to her with a handprint covered in blood.

Nikki who was a little too onto me, since it wouldn't be the first time I scared her, decided that all three of the girls would go outside to investigate the handprint on the window. As their shoes went on, they heard a roaring outside.

A chainsaw, perfect. I loved my friends at that moment. Next we heard the stomping again. The girls quickly changed their plan and decided to investigate upstairs instead. There was an easy explanation to this. "Ashley we know you are doing this" they said between shallow breathing and whispering voices. They tried the lights, and they turned on with ease. But the two light switches made it easy for me to mess with them as they searched each of the rooms helping Tony leave the upstairs and hide in the basement until the coast was clear.

The girls decided to call my mom to tell her what was happening. Mom did her best to stay out of it though she must have said something that pointed in my direction.

I got a text a few minutes later to unlock one of the windows upstairs and as the girls decided to head downstairs deciding I must have done something they heard a scream from the upstairs. They immediately ran to see what, or who, it was. Then the heard a door slam on the main floor. Looking out the windows were fruitless because it was so dark.

As they heard a scream come from the main floor, they ran down to see where it came from. The phone rang again. Nikki answered it in the kitchen, Kayla and Nicole not far behind her.

"Hello? Stop this! You are scaring us!" Nikki said choking back tears. She was good at playing the victim, something I learned quickly being the oldest. You could poke her and she could find a way to cry over it. "We just want to watch our movie. Leave us alone!"

At that point, I opened the sliding door, claiming I would go investigate outside. Tony took the opportunity and turned all the lights off again. Then ran through the kitchen we were all in, with a mask on, screaming like a girl. I almost lost it except that I could cover my smiling, laughing mouth, pretending I was as upset as they were.

This left the girls devastated to see someone, not knowing who it was. I closed the sliding door and found all three of the girls sitting on the floor of the kitchen, crying and calling all their moms.

So I finally felt bad (and totally accomplished) and fessed up. I called my friends in and Tony came in first, making the girls scream, until he took off his mask. Mike and Mandi were next as we all laughed. The girls continued to cry.

So I did what any sane older sister does to make her little sister stop crying. I bribed them. I got in my car, with all my friends and bought them each a giant Hershey's bar, Nikki's favorite.

All I know is, one day the grudge, I am sure she has for me is going to come back full swing. 

The Man in the Mirror

"Write about someone pretending to be someone or something he is not."

Jesse looks in the mirror as he spends another few minutes getting ready.  It is the same every day and the betrayal is written all over his face as he studies the mirror looking for which of the two faces will take over on this day. Look at that smug little smirk lurking behind the lines of agony that seem to be washed away the second he walks out the door.

He is trapped, trapped in a world that leads him to believe he can't be himself. The laughter is a great mask. The smile is a way to pull away from who he was. And the only time he sees his treachery is when he looks in the mirror, like it is trapped away in another world.

But every once in a while, he can't step outside his house, for his torment finds a way to chain him to the house and all he can do is break down without stepping out.

Take 2
He looks in the mirror as he spends another few minutes getting ready. His hair always takes a few minutes longer than it should because he spends so long mesmerized by the pain in the mirror. Look at that smug little smirk lurking behind the lines of agony that seem to be washed away the second he walks out the door. The monster of a man he feels locked inside always seems to show his face first thing in the morning. Glaring eyes and glistening teeth, as if ready to take a bite out of the mask he wears around each day.

The betrayal is written all over this monster's face staring back in the mirror. He begs for the chance to step out of the house and not be locked in this dungeon of a house with the monster. Some days, he can escape and put the mask of happiness over his eyes and share with the world a better version of himself. A world people believe is his own, how gullible people are.

He is trapped in his house or trapped in a world that leads him to believe he can't be himself. The laughter is a great mask. The smile is a way to pull away from who he was. And the only time he sees his treachery is when he looks in the mirror, like it is trapped away in another world.

But every once in a while, he can't step outside his house, for his torment finds a way to chain him to the house and all he can do is break down without stepping out. A way to take over a bring agony to the man on the other side of the mirror.

Four years ago, Jesse never saw this monster. It wasn't until Stephen Lynch came into his life and ripped away all the good. He will never forget that day. Jesse's wife Sam and young daughter, Danette, and Jesse went to the park. They met some friends there, an easy thing to do when your daughter has a smile that can change the world. There was this man, Stephan, there with his son, Tony, who always played with Dani. Sam got the idea of inviting them over for dinner as Dani didn't want to leave poor Tony alone.

They gave Stephan their address, got dinner prepared and were on their way to setting the table, when the doorbell rang. Tony ran in and Dani's smile returned again. Stephan brought a wine and helped set up the table, giving each of them a glass. The dinner was a roasted chicken, Sam's speciality, with mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole. Yet after grace was shared and they said cheers, the world went black.

Jesse woke up to Sam's screams and Dani's cries. "What happened?" he thought. His head was ringing, he was dazed but as he opened his eyes, he witnessed the horror. Jesse was caged to a chair, locked up as he saw Sam's skin rip from her flesh under Stephan's prying fingers and slippery knives. Jesse quickly looked around for his daughter. Was he too late. He found Danette taped to her highchair with Tony keeping her company, petting her head. Jesse spoke to her, tried to get her to look away from Mommy but it wasn't possible, not when the screams tore through the air. It was at that moment he knew, the smile would never come back to her eyes, if they survived.

Jesse tried to break out, he tried to save them... but it was too late and by the time the police came, he was the only one left. The girls tore to pieces, blood all over their house. Stephan and Tony, he later found out were hunted in a few different states and the blame shadowed him every day.

As Jesse gets ready each morning, the sun doesn't seem to shine as bright, no one's smile can outdo the one in his mind that he will never see again. And every once in a while the monster of despair and pain takes over making leaving the house and facing the day unbearable without the family he had and with the new memories he shares with one sick and twisted man. 

professionals treated like animals

I think it's bullshit that people can put me down, harass me and verbally abuse me because I am a teacher. So because I went to school, I get to be treated as less? Or is it because I work with children you have the right to treat me like one? Better yet is it because you have a child that you have the right to treat me as an inferior?

I chose this profession and I knew that parents complicate this job but I'm appalled that verbal abuse should just be let go like it didn't happen. That it should becomes water under the bridge just because the parents need to "get it off their chest" or because they were feeling frustrated.

What about me? I slave over the books and the papers and my world is about your child. And you don't think I have feelings? Like I don't need to be treated better than this? Like I don't deserve to?

But you can scream at me, advise me how to be "successful" as a teacher and demand more of my after work time to be devoted to your child.

You want to complain about me and what I am doing. Be my guest. But do not share those thoughts with me.

I chose a profession where I am giving myself up for this job. I chose a profession and fall in love with my children each year. I chose a profession that allows me to change the world.

I didn't do it to get your lip or to be your personal servant who you can berate and put down just because you are having an off day. Think before you send something. Be professional.

Positivity is key

Finally, finished the book. I would be curious how my past workers feel about me as a leader. I was not a know-it-all. I listened to their concerns and made them my own, I helped them problem solve (two heads are better than one) and I created ideas and checklists as I went to help myself figure out what to work on. Oh, that preschool was my baby but it was also my burden.

Looking where I am now, I am the youngest of my cohort by a landslide (everyone I teach with is minimally 20 years older than I am). I am not expected to be the leader by them, I am expected to be lost and immature. I believe in some aspects I am expected to fail. And that doesn't mean that they don't respect me or like me or learn from me. Just that being the youngest and least experienced isn't the person you pick to lead.

So how do I become a leader of a group of leaders? (After all, that's what teachers are.) For one, I admit to my weaknesses both in lack of experience and in what we are doing. I also need to be on the same page as them but keep us on track. (This is something I may struggle with because effective learning happens when you get off the track). I need us to bounce ideas off of each other and let people complain about the system but also work on ways to resolve those complaints. I need to enforce "take aways" (what you are walking away from the conversation with that you can use) and actionable requests (your homework). And I have to do all this without it being a burden (on themselves or on me!)

I think this could really work. I think my group is pretty good about listening (And loves to complain) now we have to make it manageable and hopefully cut down some of our work time. This is going to be interesting.

Managing ‘‘has to be learned . . . not just by doing it but by being able to gain conceptual insight while doing it’’ 

 I started reading the book Change Leader and I was inspired by the first few lines of the book expecting to see greatness at the turn of every page. Really, all you have to do is read the preface and the chapter titles. The rest of the book is trash. I am struggling to finish it. But I will and then it will all be over.

On the flip side, I do think education needs this book and I like that my district provided it to me. It is showing me that the district knows there are problems and that they know they aren't fixing it.

It is focusing on looking internally, at the organization and at your own abilities and working with a team to step up the game. I think this is exactly what can fix education. Teachers working together, teachers deciding what is going on, teachers focusing on what they know each other needs.

Why at the beginning of the year doesn't the principal ask us where we struggle? As teachers, I am sure we would share because we have to reflect on what we do daily. So instead of giving us pointless Professional Development on: Recess, How to group student work or how to put the unit in the answer of a math problem. We could be diving into the actual issues: some teachers struggle with classroom management, others with inspiring the students, others with finding ways to use the textbook without pulling your hair out. I personally, suck at test making. These are the things that we could really be focusing on and diving into. And every year it may change and every year it may not, depending if the teacher is satisfied with their improvement.

But it would be much more beneficial and we could have actual conversations about problems some teachers face daily. Wouldn't we all want to help those that we know are struggling with something, we personally, feel good about and strong with?

After I left the preschool, I said that never again would I want to be a principal, but depending on how things move around and things change in education. I could consider it. I am a natural leader, I am not some micromanaging bitch (hell, I don't even pay attention to the details). So I may have to consider it when I get burnt out on teaching (and again with these 95 hour weeks, it is possible that happens sooner than later).

why break apart when we can stand together?

One take away I had from the meetings yesterday, which to be honest, I had a few. (Though in 6 hours I wanted to have more than just a few!) But one of the ones that I had stems back to how we are wrong about education. Reading and math are no different. Reading and social studies are no different. Math and science are no different. These things we compartmentalize shouldn't be compartmentalized. You can't draw the line at how reading is different than math. It's murky. We read about science, but they are separate? Now graphs are part of social studies but not math? These concepts are one in the same. Don't know what to do in reading? Reread the sentence. Don't know what to do in math? Reread the problem. Want to know what a word means? Break it apart or look at the context clues. Want to know what a number means? Break it apart or look at the context numbers.

These strategies we teach work for every subject, so why don't we teach the strategies rather than the topics? Yes, kids need to read and yes kids need to memorize certain things, but mostly, kids need to learn how to think. Not copy, not look back and regurgitate what they read, but genuinely think. Think about how they could prevent something today, think about what they know about the chemicals and what the reactions might do. Think about how this story affects them and how they would feel if they were that character. Think about how their math could be seen in the daily world and how it will affect them when they need it.

We need to stop separating things or students will never understand that the strategies they use can work for anything. Summarize the word problem (make a number sentence), Use a graphic organizer (draw a picture) to go with the story (problem). Let's teach students how to think rather than what to think. Let's allow them to explore new methods and find new ways they can make connections. Let's not boil our education system down to perfect, neat boxes when in reality life is rarely either and never both.

Reflective by nature

Change Leaders said "This book is about the wise practitioner rather than the abstract theorist; the reflective doer, not the smart operator; the deep accomplisher, not the overt hero." If I had to pick one of those that speak to me I would be the reflective doer. I do the best I can and it isn't always right. But I learn from it and tweak as I go. I am not happy until I find the system that works best for me, that works best for my class that is the best for what I am looking for. And I try to do that within my means. But I do believe that reflecting is such a crucial part of life that I wish more people knew how to do it.

The best conversations I ever have involve two people that reflect on their experiences, where they came from and why they are who they are. Being reflective is such a crucial element of life that so many take for granted and even more never explore the possibilities of.

How often do you take a step back and ask yourself "how could I have said that better?" "How could I have handled today better?" "If I could go back what would I change?" Instead, we fill our brains with constant filler so we can't explore these thoughts and miss out on these incredible opportunities.

Boss vs. Manager

This is the second time in my life that someone has asked me to instruct people with a lot more experience, a lot more money and a lot more knowledge on how to be better than they are. I taught multi-million dollar CEO's how to run their business (something I knew personally, nothing about) and now I am facilitating veteran teachers who have been teaching for a minimum of 5 years more than I have, how to work together and make their teaching better.

So, one of my tasks is to read this book, Change Leader, and I am not a big highlighter, I don't care much about coming back to places in books, but one thing I do enjoy doing is reflecting and that is what this book wants us to do. There is no room for it, no pages that say "okay reflect now" but that the best leaders are the ones that look around and say "this is okay... but what if it could be this?" I have been talking to many of you about the math and what it is missing and what went wrong. I have spoken with many of you on how teaching could be better, how classrooms could be better, how education could improve and for once, I feel like those thoughts aren't for nothing. They aren't lost on deaf ears and if I could find my place in this and find a path to follow where being reflective helps others, I may have a job after I get burnt out on teaching (which working 95 hours may speed up drastically).

Consider the best boss you ever had. What made them great? For me, they were real people. They wanted to get to know you and cared about you. They expected greatness from you and did what they could to help you enjoy your job. They didn't blindly follow the big wigs or what the last email/research/meeting said and did what they knew was best for their team, for you. They believed in you and your abilities and they critiqued and made it better.

I have had some amazing bosses in my life but I have also had some horrid ones. I have had bosses that critique everything you say and take the you, out of the job. They take your soul out of your passion and they try to make you a new them. I don't want to be them. I like to be me and I like the aspects of myself that I have allowed these villains to replace and to taint. I have had bosses make me change what I know and what I do just to take one more stab at you. I have had bosses that could care less about you. You are a means to an end for them and if they can make you look good, well then they may move up the ranks. I have had bosses who never say a single nice thing about you and I have had bosses who don't jump in and help when you need it.

So what makes a good boss, good? What makes a bad boss, awful? Well looking at my critiques a few things stick out to me that matter to me. Bosses need to care more about the individual then they care about the system but more importantly, then they care about themselves. A good boss believes in their workers and let them know it. A good boss finds the highs and the lows and makes both improve. A good boss finds what makes you tick and increases it whether it is challenges, positive remarks, acceptance, etc. They want you to be better and find what works for you. They adapt, they concede and they listen.

So if I am meant to be a leader, at these meetings and always, I should do the same. I don't need to change myself to follow a theory, I don't need to shape people in the way I have been shaped but I need to see the struggles and the positives and support both and figure out what makes my people tick and bring them up.

leaders don't know it all

For my extra job at work (By the way did you know teachers get extra jobs on top of our already crazy jobs) I am a facilitator for our meetings and collaborations. At first, I was intimidated that I was asked (and I really basically mean told) to do this. But I am finding it interesting that as a new teacher to this school, so much is already expected out of me. I like that I am being challenged and I like that I don't need to prove myself. If anything I need to live up to the expectation of those in charge. I like that I can be myself and say the things that I think whether they are all PC or not and that those ideas can spiral me upward.

What a change from my last school where I constantly was belittled, our ideas didn't matter, we were told what to do, how to do it and what it should look like. It was a daily struggle to find time to reflect for yourself and even if you did, those reflections didn't matter because you had a certain way you were required to do things.

But in a setting where I am believed in, challenged and expected greatness from. I, personally, thrive. I want to be great, I enjoy a challenge and above all I want what is best fro the children I work with.

So for this facilitator job, I was afraid of being the leader of teachers. I have not been teaching the longest, I don't have all the answers and I am always actively learning for my job. So how can I be in charge? But in reality, I am always in charge. I am in charge of 21 students. I am in charge in group projects and I am organizational and sound. The leader doesn't need the answer, the leader needs to know what we are working with and move us forward.

That is something I can do. My "weakness" of not having the answers will inspire others to work together to find the answers. But I went to the meeting and I was inspired. I can be a facilitator of learning, I can force my group to work together and find a way to defeat the common enemy. I can rally the troops and I can attempt to keep us on task. Facilitating is my job. That's what a teacher is, and changing tunes and looking at adults is the same way.

We don't need as many community builders, we don't need as many rules in place becuase we understand what society is and how to interact with our peers, however, we do need time to work together and the ability to learn from each other and that's something I do all the time. So why not lead others in doing the same?