Writing isn't easy.

You know, writing isn't always easy. It is a brain surgery finding the pieces of you that make you tick. It is a heart surgery finding what tugs at your heartstrings and what clots block the way. It is the act of standing naked in front of a crowd and putting your whole self out there.

Yes, I have flaws. I am not perfect. And the fact that I am willing to dissect myself, admit defeat when I see it and attempt to come to terms with it somehow or another is a big deal. One that shouldn't be overlooked. Just because I may not have the ability to feel a certain way doesn't mean I admire it about myself. Sometimes I can hate it. But if I don't write about it, if I don't preform that surgery, I am not laying my whole self out there. I am hiding, I am not writing. I am standing in front of you, expecting applause.

I am not expecting congratulations. I am expecting a battle. A battle I am strong enough to handle and it has nothing to do with the jesters in the stadium. It is a battle of self. What I can admit to and what I run from. And my goal, my ultimate goal is to KNOW myself, to trust myself, to come to terms with who I am.

I am not a saint, I never want to be. I can do my part, preform my surgery of the day and I can see the darkness inside of my soul. And that's a GOOD thing. It shows my vulnerability and once you find it.... the battle really begins.

Becuase finding the parts of yourself you aren't happy with gives you two options. First, you have the ability to change. There is so much going on in the normal hustle and bustle of our lives that we ignore what we dislike, what we aren't proud of and we continue. Opening up those wounds gives us the ability to fix them.

But you can't always fix them. You can't BE perfect. So sometimes a wound is just a flaw. And you have to learn to accept that you have some flaws. That you aren't perfect and you have to come to terms with yourself.

If I can do that, either fix my wounds or accept my flaws. I am a stronger person. It is not for you to fix. It is not for you to admire or cheer on or pity. It is for me, for me to be a better me. In whatever way that is. It is for me to be able to put myself out there and accept who I am. Even the sides of myself no one else can see.

I have opened up to you here and I will continue to do so, if you don't want to read it. If you want to laugh or joke or poke or cheer, don't. Because it isn't for you to judge. The only one that has to love me, is myself.