There’s Some Place Like Home

The sticky, hot sun rained down as the

The gallant horses ran like scared mice.

The barn reeked of pancakes, 

the house was scented with oats.

The young grew older as 

the kittens approached each night milking 

the laughter out of the children.

The old grew younger

As the childless became with child.

While the destructive fire ants created a new home 

Full of aunts, uncles, and sisters.

They were free from decisions, 

They were bound by terrain.

Life was different here as they galloped on 

horseback and spoke with a twang.

In many ways it stayed the same.

It felt like home yet it was

thousands of miles away.

My sister, my shadow

The best of friends aren’t so distant at heart, you have to count on them,

but let’s hope that what came naturally once long ago takes no additional effort.

It’s better to pretend they are your shadow, they are always next to your side,

when life gets tough and you feel like you are by yourself.

That way the world can have its up’s and it’s down’s mirror another’s,

Always in order, a bullet list on a file or like a broken record, skipping a tune.

Look down and remember that you don’t have to ask for help because

Whatever shines forth is no match for your shadow. Nothing gets muddled.

And, of course, a role model to always look to is encouraging. 

You never see her flaws as thus but only as another strength.

When the sun rises you never can forget to be thankful for her

and how she never walked away no matter what you did.

Never miss the chance to get close to her, for having her in your

Life can change in the blink of an eye, so quit staring and 

Instead learn to dance with your shadow.

Weightless with Anticipation

In a black and silver frame, dusted and old. 

There it is.

The only image I have of of that moment. I look at it as 

I shoot directly back into that memory. 

That day.

I entered the arena, I practiced with vigor and strength.

I yelled as I threw myself into the excitement.

I ran and I twirled, I flipped and I stood proud.

My body knew the memory, my brain knew the routine.

My adrenaline surged through me as I exposed my winning smile.

Next, they screamed. We were next and in that instant, 

My mind emptied. As the anxiety whispered my secrets.

The routine was gone. The muscle memory faded. 

All I could hear was the overplayed songs.

The bass shook my entire body and goosebumps crept over my neck.

Do I want to go do this? It now seemed new and terrifying.

Right as my brain battled my heart and I wanted to walk away, 

The curtain opened. 

There was no turning back for them. For us. For me.

Time dragged its hands and the seconds stretched on for minutes. 

As we started my muscles controlled me, 

Instead of I controlling them. Here comes my moment. 

As they launched me twenty feet into the sky. 

My stomach in knots, the spotlight blinds us all, 

Teasing death has a funny way of focusing us all.

The throw feels like flying as my body whispers the moves.

In that second, I don’t hear anything as I zoom back into the ground. 

Not the crowd, or the music, or the beating of my heart. 

I panic in the silence. The whole performance could shatter in 

Just a couple of slow moving seconds.

After I come down, I hear the crowd roaring. Energy circles the 

Arena as the fans gasp a sigh of relief 

Cheerleading is a dangerous sport.

Screams from the crowd come from all directions.

That sound of excitement and fear is what I lived for.

It was all captured there in that dingy, old frame. 

As their faces pray, their breath is held.

My smile spread out and the 

seconds drudged on

And my body remembers what my heart could not. 

The Broken Was Once Beautiful

The dreary blood red house was boarded up for a lifetime
Full of teary eyes and forgotten lives
Stuck in a memory of the should be daughters
Lighting the world with passion and excitement

Instead the house stands with its windows lost behind
The splintering wood and rusty nails
No laughter lighting the walls, No one opening the doors,
Nothing dusting off a forgotten family

The mystery of the house is as bold as 
The shingles tumbling off with a monotonous 
Thud and as lost and meaningless 
As the fading pictures through the halls

Those memories repressed, those moments 
As still as concrete throughout the house
For decades the house has been shunned
God forbid the world remembers

Remembers that once the daughters were 
Running through the halls and painting the walls
Once their sun bleached hair was flowing like a shadow
Once their Earthy eyes were full of curiosity

All that's remembered is the blood red fireworks
That caked the pictures on the walls
And the piercing cry of the lost lives
That once used to smile and laugh.

Irony

One thing I have found over the past few years is that the education field doesn't actually want you to be all that educated. In fact, there IS such a thing as being too educated to teach our youth. God forbid we give our students the best that we can offer, instead its the best we can afford. And what can our lovely government afford? A Bachelors degree with no experience.

I have been told time and time again to wait for my Masters. But isn't that a funny thought? How I need to put my own education on educating my students on hold because I can price myself out of their ballpark. It's a crazy thought. To think that our children aren't worth more to us. That a good teacher can become too high of a dollar sign.

I would love to learn all that I can while I can about the students I have in my classroom. I want to do everything in my power to give them the right kind of education. Yet I am told not to. I am told to wait. I am told that the more I do the more it could hurt me. What a crazy idea to have. 

Did I Cheat?

I could never tell my husband.
Not how I feel.
Not what I did.
Not what I am going through.

It's hard to keep something so big from him.

But I will tell you...

I feel like I am cheating... 

... on the military. 

My husband has been in the military for 8 years. He has deployed 3 times. We did long distance for 3 years... And it was hard. I found support through friendships, the online community and random other spouses and girlfriends... that just... understood. 

But for the last 2 years, we have been together and we have been on shore duty. If you talk to the guys, its like a vacation. It's a normal 9-5 job. Less fear of deployment. Less stress, less loneliness. At first, we would talk about it like a vacation. That it was the yin to the yang. The balance to the ship that he served on for 5 years. 5 years where he went on 3 deployments. 5 years where he was alone. 3 years where we were thousands of miles apart. 

But now... that vacation is supposed to be nearing the end. We picked new orders. Where would we go if we could pick? What would we choose? What would be nice? It was exciting! And then we were chosen! We got new orders and THAT was exciting. Another place, a restart, a new country. ANOTHER SHORE... how is that even possible. It was a dream come true...

And now that the newness has warn off. I feel... guilty.

I feel like we cheated the military. There aren't supposed to be dreams that come true in the military. Everything is a penny short and months too late. Everything is on hold until the next deployment. And I stayed strong, I stayed ready. And I am scared of that... wearing off. I am scared that after a total of 5 years of being by his side. It is going to be harder to watch him go again. I feel like we cheated the system and I am waiting for the devil to make up pay the price. 

And I feel so GUILTY! Guilty! Can you believe it? Because I am happy. Because the military isn't supposed to make us happy. Because this job is supposed to be hard. I feel... like we are doing something wrong. I feel lucky. And that petrifies me. I feel like its just a matter of time until the cards crumble of this house we have built with each other...

I feel guilty for being happy. How messed up is that? 

What First Graders Really Need To Hear: Adaptation

Adapted from: http://affectiveliving.wordpress.com/2014/03/08/what-students-really-need-to-hear/
I in no way want to take credit for this amazing work. it is all based off this man, this author that I only dreamed I could have said it first. This is the most amazing thing I have read and I needed to make a version that my students would understand. Whether I read it to them or not, I needed to write it.

WHAT First GradeRS REALLY NEED TO HEAR

It's another night of hours lost tossing and turning in my bed. Did I get it through to them? Is this enough? What more can I do? The thoughts haunt me. The moments make me tremble. I want to be the difference, and how can I? The stress consumes me, the hours attack me, the anxiety destroys me. Why? Because I stress. About every student I had, every one I have yet to have and every one in my classroom at this very moment. I am really stressed. And I want you, my students, to know why.

Now I need to be honest, I wasn't the first one to write this paper and in every way, I hope I am not the last. But this is my voice, my story, my pain and I want you to know why. I want you, to know the truth. The truth you may never hear again.

This is what you, my students, really need to hear:

One of the most important things you need to know is that I care about you. In fact, I care about you more than you care about yourself. And if I am really being honest, I will tell you that I don't care about your grades, I don't care about your tests, and I certainly don't care about what the state THINKS you need to learn. I care about you. I care about your lost teeth and the way you fought with your mother to wear your favorite shirt this morning. I care about the way you smile when you tell me about your first sleep over and the way you worry about every test. I care about you and your likes and your dislikes and I care about who you are.

So here's what you need to know, the truth that every adult thinks that they have the right to keep from you. Because we know better, because we hold the keys to success and we want you to find them. But if the answers are out there, why don't we just tell you? Well, if you really want to know, I will tell you.

I do more than show up to class with a smile on my face. I do more than work from sun up to sun down because I want to. I lose sleep almost every night because of you. And more than that, I do it time and time again for you. And I think I always will.

I do it because I want you to learn. That's a teacher's job after all isn't it? But I want you to learn more than just time and subtraction. I want you to learn more than capital letters and punctuation. I want you to learn more than who Columbus was and how America got started.

I want you to learn how to push yourself. I don't care about time or money or spelling words. I don't care about plants or explorers. My goal, every second of every day is to watch you push yourself. It isn't about how hard I can push you. It isn't about what your parents make you do. It is about you and what you want to do yourself.

And sometimes, students don't want to do anything themselves. They don't fail with bad grades or low test scores. They fail by forgetting to try when life gets tough, they fail by doing nothing when they had the chance to do something!

After all, life will always get tough. Sadly, that's a truth too. It will be hard and it will be painful. Life will bring sadness, pain, anger and frustration. But it will be oh so good and worth it. It WILL be harder than this.

But with the right practice now and every day from here at school and at home and wherever you are. You will be able to overcome it every time you are against it.

But there are things you will have to learn, things I will do my best to teach you every day. You need to learn how to push yourself when you think you can't do it, practice until you can't stomach another problem and do 100 more. You need to push and push and push yourself to get along with teachers and friends when you don't want to. You need to learn to put on a happy face when ALL you do want to do is to scream, or cry or throw something. You need to learn to go to school when you don't feel like it, write until your hand falls off when you don't want to, and be on time when you just want to sleep. You need to learn how to be polite, respectful and YOU need to learn to stand up to all the problems in your life and push hard in overcoming them.

You need to take charge of yourself when you don't want to do something because that is how you succeed. In school, in life, at home, at work, at play: It doesn't matter. Sometimes it NEEDS to hurt, it NEEDS to be hard so you can find the greater good. And that greater good is you and what you can do and what you will do when you try.

But its your choice: You will either stand up or fall down. And every day you live you will be faced with choices that aren't always your favorite. But you can't whine, or throw a tantrum, or say NO! You need to make the choice that makes the next battle easier. You need to make the choice that makes YOU better.

And that choice should be to try hard. Push yourself harder and believe you are worth it. Don't give up. Because if you want to succeed in life, you need to try HARD at everything you never wanted to do and at everything you want to do.

And guess what? Every single day that I am in your life, I am going to do everything in my power to show you that I care about you. That I believe in you and that I know you can do it. Even when you don't believe it yourself. And the days you fail, the days you quit. I will be there that day and the one after and I will STILL believe in you, I will still care about you and I will still be there waiting with a smile, with some help and with a new start. Because you are worth it to believe in.

So do yourself a favor and stop making excuses, stop pouting, stop blaming, stop thinking education is about the numbers and letters and exercises in front of you. And believe me when I tell you the truth people may never tell you again, Life is hard. Problems are endless. You are worth it. And You can do it today and every day for the rest of your lives. Because your life, your future is worth every effort. You are worth it.

So don't quit. Try harder. Because I know it is in you.