Did I Cheat?

I could never tell my husband.
Not how I feel.
Not what I did.
Not what I am going through.

It's hard to keep something so big from him.

But I will tell you...

I feel like I am cheating... 

... on the military. 

My husband has been in the military for 8 years. He has deployed 3 times. We did long distance for 3 years... And it was hard. I found support through friendships, the online community and random other spouses and girlfriends... that just... understood. 

But for the last 2 years, we have been together and we have been on shore duty. If you talk to the guys, its like a vacation. It's a normal 9-5 job. Less fear of deployment. Less stress, less loneliness. At first, we would talk about it like a vacation. That it was the yin to the yang. The balance to the ship that he served on for 5 years. 5 years where he went on 3 deployments. 5 years where he was alone. 3 years where we were thousands of miles apart. 

But now... that vacation is supposed to be nearing the end. We picked new orders. Where would we go if we could pick? What would we choose? What would be nice? It was exciting! And then we were chosen! We got new orders and THAT was exciting. Another place, a restart, a new country. ANOTHER SHORE... how is that even possible. It was a dream come true...

And now that the newness has warn off. I feel... guilty.

I feel like we cheated the military. There aren't supposed to be dreams that come true in the military. Everything is a penny short and months too late. Everything is on hold until the next deployment. And I stayed strong, I stayed ready. And I am scared of that... wearing off. I am scared that after a total of 5 years of being by his side. It is going to be harder to watch him go again. I feel like we cheated the system and I am waiting for the devil to make up pay the price. 

And I feel so GUILTY! Guilty! Can you believe it? Because I am happy. Because the military isn't supposed to make us happy. Because this job is supposed to be hard. I feel... like we are doing something wrong. I feel lucky. And that petrifies me. I feel like its just a matter of time until the cards crumble of this house we have built with each other...

I feel guilty for being happy. How messed up is that?