I FORGOT HOW TO RIGHT BRAIN

 

I realized about a year ago... maybe 2. That the cost of damage control is more than just my sanity. It's the cost of my creativity.

For the last couple years I have been in a stressful, demanding, people pleasing job where I used all my logic and problem solving skills. My left brain must be a beast. I have been analytical, practical, realistic. I have had control, used reason and stayed precise. I followed lists and memos and solved problems on the spot.

But while I did all that: My creativity starved. It stopped eating, stopped functioning. It curled up and disappeared. I stopped being poetic, passionate, vivid, creative. I stopped following my heart and opening myself up. I stopped battling the world and I stopped trying to figure it out.

I was so left-brained, I forgot how to right brain.

I haven't written a poem in years, I haven't done something spontaneously passion in years. I haven't found a never before seen (to me) metaphor in years. And that's all I want. I want it back.

Not to sound full of myself or anything but I have a very strong brain. I am high in both hemispheres: left and right. But what I didn't know is that too much of one will suffocate the other.

Now 2 years after it died, I can't find the on switch. I can't bring the machine it was back to life. So I need to rebuild those muscles, I need to start somewhere. You forget how hard it is to do that after years of stopping. You just remember how EASY it was before and you want that back. At least I do.

But I know, I know its going to take work. But if its just work. That is something I can do. It's something I have always been able to do. I just need to push myself. To break my limits. To stop being lazy and to start being me.

And I know how to do it. It's just like exercising. Write. Every. Day. So I am going to. I want to. Even if its garballed mess for now. It is better than not existing. I just need to force myself to do it. I need to stretch these muscles, I need to go back to the gym. My computer, my notebooks, a free page and an open mind. And I started today.