Electric Minded

 

Here is my warning: This post is going to sound conceded at first. I come to terms with things later

One of my favorite traits about myself is my ability to care. I feel like I am a very empathic, drop anything and help sort of person. And if there is anything that I would want to share with the world from who I am, that would be what I would share.

That being said, I think my mother is 1000 times more caring than I am. She has the ability to take family in, LEAVE HER JOB to help someone in need. She is constantly putting someone else first. And it is always those who desperately need it.

There is a point in time that I draw a line. I am caring but I have a edge to that cliff. And it starts with my cousin.

So for those of you that don't know. My cousin is an addict. To anything, to everything. Mom and I discuss the nature vs. nurture of this often. My aunt was an alcoholic, my uncle never got involved. Her life made her the way she is. Her speciality prescription pills.

Well at 16 she got knocked up because it was more important to pay for drugs than birth control. Then again at 20, she was so out of her mind blitzed that she slept with anyone giving her her next high. Both times she chose (with the help of my family) to have an abortion. At 28, there was no talking her out of it. She was with her (then) fiance and after 2 abortions, the odds of getting pregnant decrease. The baby was born last year.

My cousin lies as if thats the only thing she could do. And I resent her for it. I have given up being nice. I have given up believing in her. She is a bad person. She is leading a bad life. And now she is dragging a child into it and I am literally heartbroken. I cry just thinking about what this poor child is going to suffer through.

My mom, the most selfless person I know, would adopt that child in a second. She would take her as her own and raise it like a daughter. (My father won't do that. He struggles with my cousin as much as I do). That's a line, I don't think I could cross. I don't love the baby. In fact, I purposefully avoid the baby. I can't fall in love and watch the world eat at her being.

If you know anything about me, the second a child is in the room I run to them. I enjoy playing and talking and getting to know them. I haven't touched this child, I refuse to. I pretend she isn't there. I try as hard as I can to distance myself. It won't help her, it won't help my family. But I see kids like this child all the time and I fall for them and I help as much as I can but when its my own family. I can't. I wouldn't even consider taking the child in. It would lead to a better life for that baby but the problems that would arise, the fact that it would ruin my life make me say no.

My mom has taken in 4 grandparents, my aunt and cousin 3 times. My house has been in and out with family for as long as I can remember. This is the one way, I can't be like my mother. I don't take people in. I help, I talk, I discuss, I do everything in my power, as long as it doesn't change my life. I would work on convincing my cousin to give it up for adoption, I would try to help them find a footing, but I couldn't take them in. Hell, in reality, I can't even get close to them. This is the one way that I am not empathic and its almost a shock to my system. I feel more inclined to help my students that I know for 4 months, than I am about helping my cousin. Why?

Maybe because the kids can't help it. They don't knoew how to deal. They were placed in that life. My cousin built this life for herself. By 28 years old, she should have her life a bit more under control. But that's an excuse. That's the excuse I tell myself. Becuase I am taking it out on the child. Never did I expect to do that.

I can't believe how selfless my mother is, sometimes it feels naive. I worry about her but I also couldn't admire it about her more.

(And I am proud of my dad for not giving in. At 63 years old, they don't need to be raising a child. As much as it could be the best thing for her.)