The Man in the Mirror

"Write about someone pretending to be someone or something he is not."

Jesse looks in the mirror as he spends another few minutes getting ready.  It is the same every day and the betrayal is written all over his face as he studies the mirror looking for which of the two faces will take over on this day. Look at that smug little smirk lurking behind the lines of agony that seem to be washed away the second he walks out the door.

He is trapped, trapped in a world that leads him to believe he can't be himself. The laughter is a great mask. The smile is a way to pull away from who he was. And the only time he sees his treachery is when he looks in the mirror, like it is trapped away in another world.

But every once in a while, he can't step outside his house, for his torment finds a way to chain him to the house and all he can do is break down without stepping out.

Take 2
He looks in the mirror as he spends another few minutes getting ready. His hair always takes a few minutes longer than it should because he spends so long mesmerized by the pain in the mirror. Look at that smug little smirk lurking behind the lines of agony that seem to be washed away the second he walks out the door. The monster of a man he feels locked inside always seems to show his face first thing in the morning. Glaring eyes and glistening teeth, as if ready to take a bite out of the mask he wears around each day.

The betrayal is written all over this monster's face staring back in the mirror. He begs for the chance to step out of the house and not be locked in this dungeon of a house with the monster. Some days, he can escape and put the mask of happiness over his eyes and share with the world a better version of himself. A world people believe is his own, how gullible people are.

He is trapped in his house or trapped in a world that leads him to believe he can't be himself. The laughter is a great mask. The smile is a way to pull away from who he was. And the only time he sees his treachery is when he looks in the mirror, like it is trapped away in another world.

But every once in a while, he can't step outside his house, for his torment finds a way to chain him to the house and all he can do is break down without stepping out. A way to take over a bring agony to the man on the other side of the mirror.

Four years ago, Jesse never saw this monster. It wasn't until Stephen Lynch came into his life and ripped away all the good. He will never forget that day. Jesse's wife Sam and young daughter, Danette, and Jesse went to the park. They met some friends there, an easy thing to do when your daughter has a smile that can change the world. There was this man, Stephan, there with his son, Tony, who always played with Dani. Sam got the idea of inviting them over for dinner as Dani didn't want to leave poor Tony alone.

They gave Stephan their address, got dinner prepared and were on their way to setting the table, when the doorbell rang. Tony ran in and Dani's smile returned again. Stephan brought a wine and helped set up the table, giving each of them a glass. The dinner was a roasted chicken, Sam's speciality, with mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole. Yet after grace was shared and they said cheers, the world went black.

Jesse woke up to Sam's screams and Dani's cries. "What happened?" he thought. His head was ringing, he was dazed but as he opened his eyes, he witnessed the horror. Jesse was caged to a chair, locked up as he saw Sam's skin rip from her flesh under Stephan's prying fingers and slippery knives. Jesse quickly looked around for his daughter. Was he too late. He found Danette taped to her highchair with Tony keeping her company, petting her head. Jesse spoke to her, tried to get her to look away from Mommy but it wasn't possible, not when the screams tore through the air. It was at that moment he knew, the smile would never come back to her eyes, if they survived.

Jesse tried to break out, he tried to save them... but it was too late and by the time the police came, he was the only one left. The girls tore to pieces, blood all over their house. Stephan and Tony, he later found out were hunted in a few different states and the blame shadowed him every day.

As Jesse gets ready each morning, the sun doesn't seem to shine as bright, no one's smile can outdo the one in his mind that he will never see again. And every once in a while the monster of despair and pain takes over making leaving the house and facing the day unbearable without the family he had and with the new memories he shares with one sick and twisted man. 

professionals treated like animals

I think it's bullshit that people can put me down, harass me and verbally abuse me because I am a teacher. So because I went to school, I get to be treated as less? Or is it because I work with children you have the right to treat me like one? Better yet is it because you have a child that you have the right to treat me as an inferior?

I chose this profession and I knew that parents complicate this job but I'm appalled that verbal abuse should just be let go like it didn't happen. That it should becomes water under the bridge just because the parents need to "get it off their chest" or because they were feeling frustrated.

What about me? I slave over the books and the papers and my world is about your child. And you don't think I have feelings? Like I don't need to be treated better than this? Like I don't deserve to?

But you can scream at me, advise me how to be "successful" as a teacher and demand more of my after work time to be devoted to your child.

You want to complain about me and what I am doing. Be my guest. But do not share those thoughts with me.

I chose a profession where I am giving myself up for this job. I chose a profession and fall in love with my children each year. I chose a profession that allows me to change the world.

I didn't do it to get your lip or to be your personal servant who you can berate and put down just because you are having an off day. Think before you send something. Be professional.

Positivity is key

Finally, finished the book. I would be curious how my past workers feel about me as a leader. I was not a know-it-all. I listened to their concerns and made them my own, I helped them problem solve (two heads are better than one) and I created ideas and checklists as I went to help myself figure out what to work on. Oh, that preschool was my baby but it was also my burden.

Looking where I am now, I am the youngest of my cohort by a landslide (everyone I teach with is minimally 20 years older than I am). I am not expected to be the leader by them, I am expected to be lost and immature. I believe in some aspects I am expected to fail. And that doesn't mean that they don't respect me or like me or learn from me. Just that being the youngest and least experienced isn't the person you pick to lead.

So how do I become a leader of a group of leaders? (After all, that's what teachers are.) For one, I admit to my weaknesses both in lack of experience and in what we are doing. I also need to be on the same page as them but keep us on track. (This is something I may struggle with because effective learning happens when you get off the track). I need us to bounce ideas off of each other and let people complain about the system but also work on ways to resolve those complaints. I need to enforce "take aways" (what you are walking away from the conversation with that you can use) and actionable requests (your homework). And I have to do all this without it being a burden (on themselves or on me!)

I think this could really work. I think my group is pretty good about listening (And loves to complain) now we have to make it manageable and hopefully cut down some of our work time. This is going to be interesting.

Managing ‘‘has to be learned . . . not just by doing it but by being able to gain conceptual insight while doing it’’ 

 I started reading the book Change Leader and I was inspired by the first few lines of the book expecting to see greatness at the turn of every page. Really, all you have to do is read the preface and the chapter titles. The rest of the book is trash. I am struggling to finish it. But I will and then it will all be over.

On the flip side, I do think education needs this book and I like that my district provided it to me. It is showing me that the district knows there are problems and that they know they aren't fixing it.

It is focusing on looking internally, at the organization and at your own abilities and working with a team to step up the game. I think this is exactly what can fix education. Teachers working together, teachers deciding what is going on, teachers focusing on what they know each other needs.

Why at the beginning of the year doesn't the principal ask us where we struggle? As teachers, I am sure we would share because we have to reflect on what we do daily. So instead of giving us pointless Professional Development on: Recess, How to group student work or how to put the unit in the answer of a math problem. We could be diving into the actual issues: some teachers struggle with classroom management, others with inspiring the students, others with finding ways to use the textbook without pulling your hair out. I personally, suck at test making. These are the things that we could really be focusing on and diving into. And every year it may change and every year it may not, depending if the teacher is satisfied with their improvement.

But it would be much more beneficial and we could have actual conversations about problems some teachers face daily. Wouldn't we all want to help those that we know are struggling with something, we personally, feel good about and strong with?

After I left the preschool, I said that never again would I want to be a principal, but depending on how things move around and things change in education. I could consider it. I am a natural leader, I am not some micromanaging bitch (hell, I don't even pay attention to the details). So I may have to consider it when I get burnt out on teaching (and again with these 95 hour weeks, it is possible that happens sooner than later).

why break apart when we can stand together?

One take away I had from the meetings yesterday, which to be honest, I had a few. (Though in 6 hours I wanted to have more than just a few!) But one of the ones that I had stems back to how we are wrong about education. Reading and math are no different. Reading and social studies are no different. Math and science are no different. These things we compartmentalize shouldn't be compartmentalized. You can't draw the line at how reading is different than math. It's murky. We read about science, but they are separate? Now graphs are part of social studies but not math? These concepts are one in the same. Don't know what to do in reading? Reread the sentence. Don't know what to do in math? Reread the problem. Want to know what a word means? Break it apart or look at the context clues. Want to know what a number means? Break it apart or look at the context numbers.

These strategies we teach work for every subject, so why don't we teach the strategies rather than the topics? Yes, kids need to read and yes kids need to memorize certain things, but mostly, kids need to learn how to think. Not copy, not look back and regurgitate what they read, but genuinely think. Think about how they could prevent something today, think about what they know about the chemicals and what the reactions might do. Think about how this story affects them and how they would feel if they were that character. Think about how their math could be seen in the daily world and how it will affect them when they need it.

We need to stop separating things or students will never understand that the strategies they use can work for anything. Summarize the word problem (make a number sentence), Use a graphic organizer (draw a picture) to go with the story (problem). Let's teach students how to think rather than what to think. Let's allow them to explore new methods and find new ways they can make connections. Let's not boil our education system down to perfect, neat boxes when in reality life is rarely either and never both.

Reflective by nature

Change Leaders said "This book is about the wise practitioner rather than the abstract theorist; the reflective doer, not the smart operator; the deep accomplisher, not the overt hero." If I had to pick one of those that speak to me I would be the reflective doer. I do the best I can and it isn't always right. But I learn from it and tweak as I go. I am not happy until I find the system that works best for me, that works best for my class that is the best for what I am looking for. And I try to do that within my means. But I do believe that reflecting is such a crucial part of life that I wish more people knew how to do it.

The best conversations I ever have involve two people that reflect on their experiences, where they came from and why they are who they are. Being reflective is such a crucial element of life that so many take for granted and even more never explore the possibilities of.

How often do you take a step back and ask yourself "how could I have said that better?" "How could I have handled today better?" "If I could go back what would I change?" Instead, we fill our brains with constant filler so we can't explore these thoughts and miss out on these incredible opportunities.