This was started as a discussion for a Mothers of Preschooler's class I attended)
As mothers, as wives, as girlfriends, as women... we often find that there are a lot of different aspects about our lives that fall onto our backs. We end up putting so much into our own endless list of to-do's and must-have's that we can feel weighed down, restless and full of endless burdens.
Some of the weight we have lifted onto our shoulders goes by the name of Perfectionism.
We have this belief that we have to do things a specific way. Things must look a certain way, we are hyper-critical and we realize this is a life of "have to's" and "has to be perfects." This is where Pinterest can never out perform us and we believe we should never be a disappointment to ourselves or others. It's a belief that we should never make mistakes because mistakes are better seen as failures.
We ask ourselves questions like "What is wrong with you?" "How did you let this happen?" "Am I enough?" so often that we've built up a guilt. We feel guilty, if we don't fix every minuscule problem. We feel apprehensive for how things appear and if everyone else can see the red flags of mistakes that we have hyper-focused on. We worry that someone will find the flaws in our characters like they can spot flaws on a wall. We feel judgement at very turn and try to show our best self. We don't forgive anything that isn't perfect.
This guilt leads us to work to our hardest, to allow ourselves no chances for mistakes or for down-time or for days where you sit in front of the television screen for hours. We believe that perfectionism is the standard and that standard can be exhausting. We give up sleep to work, we trade our comforts for our critiques. We trade our happiness for our obsessions. We can't find a way to rest.
Another weight we carry is Idealism.
Idealism is this belief in what a family should be, what a child should do and what the world should be. We know there is something better out there and we don't just strive for it, we drive for it. We advise others to be like us, to strive for our beliefs. We push our own intentions on others and we have lots of advice to share. We think we have figured out how life should be. We have read all the books, done all the research and found all of wisdom there is in the world as we use that as our compass.
It is the belief in something greater that you strive for with such conviction that by not getting there you create anger. You get frustrated that you can't find the north pole when you have clearly followed the right map. You judge others for having different goals and you judge your relationships for not living up to your expectations. You judge your children for not being perfect children and your husband for not making his only job be to shower you with love. You become bitter because you know what these things should look like, you become critical of others and use crushing words.
This anger can make you complacent. It can make you lose friends. It can ruin relationships and it can steal your hope. You will stop hoping for something better because clearly it must be unattainable. You can stop hoping for happiness because it wasn't meant for you. You can feel stuck.
Another problem we shoulder is comparisons.
Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in the lives we see elsewhere. The celebrities that lose baby weight like it was a sack of potatoes tied to their bellies. The social media Instagram stars that have found the perfect spouse and live the perfect life. Sometimes the mother next door with the perfect child or the mother who seems like she has it all figured out. We compare ourselves as we think "If only." "If only I was a better mother", "If only I looked like her", "If only I did what he did", "If only I traveled like she is". We believe that our lives, our selves, who we are don't measure up to what we see with others. We think that other people have their lives put together and we don't.
This can make us resentful. We will become jealous of others and stop seeing the best in ourselves. We will pity our own lives and believe that we did something wrong to end up where we are. We will get disgusted with our lives, our families, ourselves.
This resent will make us lose the joy in our lives. We will miss out on the little moments of happiness, too concentrated on the gray clouds over our heads. We will see only the things we are missing out on rather than the beauty right in front of us.
Yet one more issue we sometimes carry with us is performing to be accepted.
Sometimes we put on a show of who we are and who we want to be. This is much more than the "fake it til you make it" more like playing a role in a play just so people will view you as a friend. We judge others, others judge us, we feel broken, defective, like who we are isn't enough. This is the thought that we are only liked when we are being someone we aren't. That if we perform the right way, people will like us and if we perform wrong, we won't be allowed into the inner circle. It is an "if, then" belief. "If I am perky enough/bake enough/happy enough/involved enough, then I will be good enough for them to like me." Our brains tell us that we aren't good enough. We don't do things right. Who we are isn't worthy or worth it.
This brings us to feeling rejected and shame. We end up feeling like who we are will never be good enough. We blame ourselves for our lack of relationships, our lack of friendships, our lack of joy. Whatever our life lacks, become our shame. We wear masks to hide our own thoughts, feelings and beliefs hoping that if we were someone else, if we thought something else... maybe we would be accepted. We can hide in loneliness, accepting that is is easier to be ourselves than constantly put on a show. We can hide in busyness allowing ourselves to become lost in our work so that we don't have time to consider the outcomes. We feel like we must win someone's approval. We become hypersensitive to and even controlled by the opinions of others.
This burden can leave us feeling a lack of security. We are never sure if what we are doing is enough. We aren't sure we will be loved because our dog and pony show may not be enough. We don't believe that love is unbreakable, because we believe our actions are the only thing keeping it together. We don't believe our friendships can last, because our actions are the only thing keeping it going.
The final weight we carry as women is the need to control.
There are times when we feel like all the weight in the world is ours to deal with. We find that we have to do something to fix the issues we carry. We believe that there is a solution out there and that it is up to us to discover it. We believe we are responsible for the way our lives turn out. We are responsible for the lives of the ones we love. We want to know the outcomes and make the right outcomes happen. If it is only up to us, that weight can be unbearable. There are so many decisions to make each day and sometimes, we become paralyzed with decisions. Sometimes we can't decide which direction to go in and so it is easier to not pick, to let the world pick for you. Sometimes it is easier to put off the decision, to decide not to decide so that we can pretend the weight of the results don't weigh on us. It's one of the ways we manipulate our results. Some things we know are in our grasps and some things are out of our control. The more that we had no control in, the more we didn't screw up.
This weight can be the most constricting leading us to fear the future and fear our own choices, to worry about what we need to do. It leaves us wondering about all the "What ifs" all the endless possibilities as we get lost in the future rather than appreciating the moments. Our need to control can lead us to manipulate others and that manipulation can leave others feeling belittled, disrespected and unimportant. This weight has the power to destroy relationships.
The fear of the future places our feelings to rule over our lives. Our worries become our guides and our shackles as all of our feelings and worries are dominated by fear. This weight leaves us without peace. Without peaceful moments or peaceful memories. We can't get lost in a moment when we are too worried about what else it will bring. We can't feel peace when fear is lurking in every thought.
We don't always carry all of these weights and some weight looks different on different people. But we do push ourselves to an exhausting level at times. Giving us a weariness, a growth of anger, missing joy, lack of peace and a lack of security.
Which of these resonates the strongest with you? What in your life caused you to be that way? In my next post, I will write some of the ways we are the reason we are and how we can realign ourselves with the people we want to be.
