I am not a dependent.

I have talked to a few of my friends that aren't military and aren't quite wives. If wives are the silent ranks then we are the mute. We get no word, we get no benefits, we have no community.

I live right outside of a military base in Japan. Jobs explain that even though I am an American citizen, I can't get above a $7.25 job because I am not a dependent. If I moved on my own and I made my own sacrifices. You would think someone would cut me a break?

Like the wives. Who could be more open arms then the people that I am in the same boat as, right? We have done the same thing. I have been through deployments and being 9,000+ miles away for almost half of the time I have been with him. I have faced the hardships of long distance and the hardships of being alone. I have had the "I don't want to get out of bed" days and "all I really want is a hug right now" moments, just like them. But even to them, I don't count.

To them, I am a temporary fix. I don't need to get involved on base, I don't need to understand the dynamics of their club. That's what the silent ranks feel like, a club. A secret girls only club that I am not allowed in. YET, in my eyes I should qualify. I don't get an oombudsman, I don't get to join the classes, I don't get to go to Navy Spouse dinners and parties.

I don't count among the base, I don't count among the community. Not as a girlfriend or even as a fiance. I am nothing without becoming a dependent.

So what are my tips for women in my shoes? Women that so desperately want someone to talk to, someone to get close to?

--Get a job. Get out there and talk to the people you work with. I am a preschool teacher off base and talking to the moms is easy. If I wanted to I could probably get an invite. If I am good enough for their children, I am good enough for on base.

--Make friends at the gym or at work or at the NEX or BX. Find people that share your interests and they quickly look over the fact you are supposed to be a mute.

--Find people like yourself. Network yourself. I now have 3 friends that are fiances and girlfriends. People that have moved and did what they can to be with the loves of their lives.

--Facebook. Recently now, there is a group growing at my station called "Ladies with no babies", now the juristiction isn't wife but people that share common interests and want to have fun.

--Message me. No matter where you are or who you are. I am always an ear to listen and a heart to understand.

A trip of a lifetime

My year out here has been eye opening you could say. I spent days working and losing myself in a place that has, in so many ways tried to get me to open my eyes.

This country doesn't believe in working to death, instead it wants you to stop and smell the flowers. Take a second to reflect and grow and always look for a better tomorrow.

Japan has taught me to live in the moment and do only what I would want returned. Lessons, you have all heard once before but in the land where niceties are meant, and people don't know how to be mean, you get a new interpretation for what those words really mean.

I would love to say that I feel out of place, like this here isn't my home. But it is. I have friends I can count on, a job that I love (and sometimes hate) and a relationship that is showing me how two very different people, in very different lives can mesh in a way they become one.

No matter where I go, I am home becuase those that I care about, aren't ever far behind and those I want to meet are never too much farther ahead. <3

The Power of the Mask

 

Your broken heart is glowing 

on a pedestal for all to judge and rattle. 

When all you want to do is find 

a dark corner and hide your bitter thoughts 

away. But that light is ever chasing and

those pedestals reach out to grab you. 

You are trapped.

You slink away and keep your head down 

below the the ground floor, the lurking and 

creeping bring new sets of suspicion onto you. They 

watch you, they follow you, they wait to understand and 

absorb you. No broken heart is left alone and 

for some that's all they crave. 

Your insides turn to mush with surrender on the tip 

of your tongue. In spite, you twist and turn to break free of this 

curse for the happy damning the rest. You'd rather stand in 

the black, lost in the wind then be ridiculed for 

following uncertain truths. 

Pay up to replace those tear stained cheeks and 

sagging lips. Instead, cover yourself with a 

mask of happy thoughts and cheery souls. 

The price for deceit is of personal 

importance for some it results in tragedy, 

for you it quenches your thirst. 

You can run among the hidden ranks and 

soar among the level minded. You join in the joy 

with a damper on your chest, that sounds more 

like a child's first race across the ocean. 

Your the glow of the party, where the 

fun never ends and you always hold on 

for one last rush of fresh air behind a mask, 

that keeps holding you together.

But sulking alone, you hear the 

howling of the pedestal you can't shake,

memories flood back of the terror before and 

that mask that held you together just hours before is now 

threatening to never release. It follows your nightmares and 

squeezes every ounce of the joy and misery out. 

That mask has made you into the clown and 

breaking free is the same punishment as 

letting go. 

School vs. Life Lessons

 

"I don't send messages. I try to tell good stories. But if you like a book and it is well written, you usually learn a couple of things. Good books reflect the human experience and we all learn from that."

I want to teach lessons. More than just on the surface. I don't want to just change the way a school looks or how a 5 year old says the letter L. I want to do more than just teach beginning reading and basic math. I want to open children's eyes and see the world as they see it. I want to ask questions with no answers and listen to everyone's answer. I want to find answers for myself. 

I want to help everyone person be a better person, a stronger person, a happier person and I want to challenge them to do that. 

One day, I hope that is my job too.